Those Words from My Father Which Helped Us during my time as a New Parent

"I believe I was just in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of being a father.

Yet the truth rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple statement "You're not in a healthy space. You must get some help. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now more comfortable discussing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the difficulties dads face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a broader inability to talk among men, who continue to internalise negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days away, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, confide in a friend, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead offer the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I think my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."